Being Alone

"I restore myself when I'm alone." "It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone—so far." - Marilyn Monroe

I often feel like being alone is looked down upon; people assume you're a bad person, or unfriendly or depressed, or whatever, and that's why you're alone; however, I personally believe that being alone can be beneficial and should not be looked down upon by others.

I used to be the type of person who was always surrounded by groups of people wherever I went, such as school, dancing, family gatherings, or any outing, because I just needed to be around people, but the reality is that most of the time I didn't want to be surrounded by people, but instead wanted to be alone. Don't get me wrong, they were my friends at the time, we had really good relationships, we had fun, we laughed, we cried, we sang and danced, but I always felt like I was pretending to be someone I wasn't when I was with them.

I wasn't mean or anything; I was just not myself around them, and it bothered me. The only time I was truly alone was at home in my room, and that's where it all showed: depression, anxiety, overthinking, full breakdowns, self-harm, it all happened in my room, with the walls acting as the only audible witness to these pitiful acts.

And as I grew older, the group slowly began to drift apart, and at first I was sad, I tried to keep us together, get us to do things, but as I grew more, I realized I quite enjoyed being alone, I mean I was never truly alone, there was always this nagging voice in my head that never shut up, she was/is rude, and hurtful, but I liked it, not her, the aloneness it felt good. I didn't have to put on a fake smile, tell corny jokes, or pretend to be someone I wasn't. It felt good to just be me, and soon I found myself having a conversation with myself, a conversation in which I was finally able to be honest about how I actually felt, and don't get me wrong, I wouldn't always give me the best advice, but it was good. I know I sound insane here, but please bear with me.

Being alone isn't always bad; you don't always need people to go places, do things, and simply enjoy yourself; if you want to go somewhere, do it alone; after all, no one you know is there to judge you. Moving on, I soon discovered that I can completely tune out the world sometimes, like if I'm doing a certain activity and I'm worried that people are judging me, I just completely tune everyone out, and act as if I'm the only person on the planet, and sure, I get weird looks and people say things, but I don't care because those are always the best times of my life.

So here's my advice: go on a trip, perhaps to a park or a restaurant, or go shopping by yourself, and just have fun. Although I won't lie, seeing people having fun with their friends makes me sad and nostalgic, so I'm not saying don't have friends, I'm saying know how to have fun with your friends, but also know how to have fun by yourself, with yourself.

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